The hard road of an artist

Today was a rough one, it rained most of the day at work (I work outdoors at LAX) As I rushed up the jet bridge, pushed my way pass boarding passengers I asked myself the question is this worth it? I'm supposed to say yes of course because I'm making real steps towards the life-long dream of becoming a professional filmmaker. But having been at this for at least a year now I'm begining to question my approach. Until I moved to LA the idea of living in this city interested me because there was the unknown a since of adventure, living somewhere I've never lived before was too much to pass up... what did it cost me? A girlfriend (potential mother of my children) friends comfort in the familiar. I remember the harsh critism and disection of my plan to move to LA. It made me feel that people wanted to see me fail but my ego wouldnt let that happen, give people the satisfaction of seeing me on my face...well I proved them wrong but why am I still fueling aircraft at LAX shouldnt I be working on a movie set somewhere?

I found it dosent work like that in SoCal. I got to make a name for myself in the streets create a fan base eager to see my work---- I've grown as an artist learned a thing or two about showmanship while hanging out in Hollywood but like all those dreamers in Hollywood longing to get a their time in the spotlight I learned it takes allot of physical and emotional suffering to come up in this world... a world concerned with sapping you of your best years before rushing you into a nursing home.

Still the ideas in my head continue to fight to get out be free live in the real world even if I dont have the means to clearly express them. My real fear is that one day I'll wake up at age 50 and still alone with the ideas in my head still trying to get out, at what point do I say enough is enough and settle down and have a family---dont know I think I'm destined to live my life as a tortured artist. My life in LA is a thousand times better than it was in snowy Detroit, MI but if I was ever to move back to Michigan away from the endless possiblites of Hollywood I would feel that I didnt give it my all and that is worse than not chasing my dream.